I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
