yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
