My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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