Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
