Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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