my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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