IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
