just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I need help removing her.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize