Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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