dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
should my penis look like a turkey
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
