i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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