Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
