i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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