If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize