Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
