sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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