Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
