matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
