i just sent this text using only my big toe
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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