someone threw a dead crab at me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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