Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
