grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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