Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
