Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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