I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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