Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
