just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Mom said you looked used
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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