period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
