I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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