Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
