I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
