Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
