Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
