apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
