If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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