I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
