I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
