is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
