If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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