Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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