I think I won the penis lottery.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize