chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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