the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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