Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
