I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
