I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
