i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
