EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
