Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
