I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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