Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
