Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
