saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
