That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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