i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
