This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
