so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize