i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
