how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
