Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
