I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
