I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
