I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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