They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
