So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize