Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
