Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
