not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We need to rekindle our bromance
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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