i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
