I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize