i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
