I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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