these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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