Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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